niedziela, 16 lipca 2017

zdarzyło mi się prawie wpaść pod pociąg, potknąć się na stromym zboczu Alp, zatruć się amoniakiem
ostatnio ledwie wyszłam spod ciężarówki.
następnym razem już nie wyjdę.

5/06/17, Olsztyn
chciałabym być wiatrem
plączącym się w twoich wlosach
chciałabym być słońcem
które daje ci ciepło
chciałabym być twoją koszulą
by móc cię dotykać
chciałabym być twoją pościelą
tulącą cię do snu
chciałabym być deszczem
całującym twoje czoło
mogłabym spijać słowa
z twoich ust szeptać ci
jak bardzo cię kocham i jak ważny
dla mnie jesteś
wiem, że nie chcesz słuchać.
Olsztyn, 11/06/17
Utopiłam się nad Łyną. W głębi zielonych oczu i jego głosu, w symetrycznej twarzy i zgrabnym nosie. Wyciągnęły mnie z opresji miękkie dłonie, zapach prochu i okopowej ziemi. Mosty świeciły na niebiesko.

nie wiem co mam robić. ani pisać, ani spać. wszystko mnie przeraża, czuję się gorzej niż kiedykolwiek. 
co zrobić, kiedy ktoś, kto sprawił, że zapomniałam jakim jestem potworem ma mnie w końcu dość i mnie odrzuca?

niedziela, 18 czerwca 2017

"you're worthless piece of shit that is never amount to nothing, you can't do anything right, i have no idea what you're doing here"
those are the words of one of my professors. i know i'm not welcomed on Earth. i'm sorry.

i know i'm awkward, boring and unattractive. i wish i was more like other people. i know i don't deserve you.
at first i didn't believe any of your words. how could a guy like you be into me? he simply can't. i understand it, i don't blame you. i understand that you don't want me in your life and it's alright. i hate myself and i get it. i'm no match for your deep mind, inteligence. for your beautiful body, nice hands, and warm smile, perfect skin and teeth. for your education, occupation and status. i'm worthless. i have nothing to offer nor to you nor the whole world. i'm not even supposed to be here. all i ever wanted for you is to be happy.
you made me feel like i've never felt. you made me feel like i matter, like somebody cares for me. but i didn't do anything to show you how much i care for you and how much i appreciate all you've been doing for me. i'm sorry. i'm just so scared all the time, i was scared i will say something wrong (boy, i said something wrong too many times anyways), i was scared to get hurt yet another time, i was afraid i will hurt you. and i know i did. i will understand if you will never forgive me.
you are a good person. you're the most wonderful man i've ever met. you're funny, smart, handsome, you have a good heart. it always amazed me how you talk about everything. i was so happy when i could talk to you. i knew from the beginning it won't last because i'm such a monster. i'm vacant inside and boring, there's not a single thing that is good about me.
i'm scared. i don't know what to do. i cry as soon as i wake up in the morning. i cry myself to sleep. all i can do is think about you. as you said - i have no idea how to interact with people. i'm sorry, i've always been an outcast, nobody ever invited me on a date, nobody ever bought me flowers or any gift. i think you were right when you said i can only calculate. there's nothing more about me, just maths.
i think it's not meant for everyone to find love and happiness. some people will always be miserable and lonely. i know i'm one of them. i'm simply unloveable and unbearable. everything i do is just sad and depressing. i have nothing interesting to say. i'm just fucked up. i'm sorry. i've never wanted to persecute you and nag you, i've never wanted to bore you with my stupid problems and meaningless stories. i'm sorry.
i always loved your calls, texts, your voice, laughter. i loved hugging you and being near you. i was really nervous back then. i had no idea how to act because i know i can't be myself, it would be just a disaster. i really wanted to thank you for everything you did for me, you've always been there for me when i needed you, even when i was annoying.
i knew this day would come. the day when your patience for me will be over. i knew some day you will look at me like i look at myself. that you will see what monster i am. i'm sorry for wasting your time. i knew i don't deserve you.
i just wanted to feel good. i wanted to be happy. i wanted to give someone love. i wanted to care for someone. i also knew i'm full of anger and hate, i knew that i'm unloveable. i know i'm uncapable of normal relations with people. i thought i can make it all work. for a second i forgot that i'm not good enough. i forgot that i'm a bad person.
you're worth everything.
i actually never told you about many things. it's just not easy for me to believe that anyone would want to hear what i want to say. and i can't understand how anyone would like to share anything with me. i hate my brain for being such a calculator.
all i want for you is to be happy. i know some day soon you will meet a woman of your dreams and she will give you all the love you deserve. it's not hard to find someone better, more attractive, smarter than me. i know she's somewhere, thinking about you. she will give you all you want and all you need. you will be happy.
all i can do now is just disappear from your life. i know you don't need me, it's okay, nobody needs me. i'm useless. i'm sorry for wasting your time. i've never wanted to hurt you.
i'm just so sorry. i don't know what to say, it's all so difficult to me and i know i don't deserve yoour forgiveness and all my excuses are just stupid like i am.
i wish you all best. because that's all you deserve. hopefully someday really soon you will forget i ever existed.
i will always have feelings for you. i still love you.

poniedziałek, 9 stycznia 2017

should we all figure out everything there is to know

Hello and welcome in 2017. As always, I am late, I know. This is the time we all supposed to make resolutions, change our diets, start working out but acutally I'm so pissed off at this.
Do you all know Albert Einstien? Yeah, I didn't think you do. Please go back to your primary school and learn something about physics, then we can talk. Life can suck any time of the year so why do you have to wait untill 1/01 to change it? Well, I don't really give a damn about it. Why should I care about the new year then? Oh, there are plenty of reasons!
  • New WRC cars. I remember cars from Colin McRae era, it's like the time since I'm so into rally and back then I was a kid so I was like "daaaaaad luk at dis Subie". I absolutely falled in love with the 22B back then and it's still one of my favorite cars to this day. Then there was the 2,0T era, Richard Burns and Peter Solberg becoming world champions, a wild unstoppable Loeb appeared and I was sure that's it. I saw them in 2009 during Rally Poland, while they were attacting like crazy through Masurian gravel. Then, in 2011 they changed regulations and we had 1,6T engines, smaller (? wait for it) cars and basically most of fans (like me) were like "hurr WRC's supposed to have huge engines durr why should I like Fiesta" and what not but actually - we were all wrong. The downsizing era gave us the i20 and Polo, most amazing cars I have ever seen (no, I haven't seen Audi Quattro S1 live), we saw some wonderful actions across the world (do you remember Loeb during Monte Carlo few years back when he said he thought he stopped and the car is not moving but he actually won the special stage like ages before anyone else started it?). We experienced VW celebrating World Championship four times and we know Ingrassia's and Ogier's face too good, we cried with Ott Tanak and Raigo Molder during Rally Poland 2016 and we drunk champagne with Andreas Mikkelsen, finally. But wait for this. Go Google Hyundai i20 WRC 2017 spec. I know, right? What a freaking beast! I mean we had some castling recently. Withdrawal of VW, Toyota joining in, Latvala in Toyota, Ogier in FORD YES THIS IS THE NEWS!!! I mean now we will finally see how much Ogier is worth and what can Msport do. Plus, all these videos from rally testing. Darn it, these guys are hell of a SOB! Oh boy, can I wait for the Monte Carlo which is in like 2 weeks? Nope.
  • New F1 cars. Can I please say something about Nico Rosberg first? I am so happy he won the championship, he owned it, he deserved it, he had a fantastic season... This is so beautiful I can't even. I'm glad this season turned out as it did. But now, let's get to the business. We have wider, lower cars, and the tyres. Oh my lord, the tires. We are going from 245 milimeters to 305 milimeters in front and from 325 to 405 milimeters in the rear. I am quite new to F1 (I'm following it since 2012 or so and I've only been to F1 race once) but I have to say I'm pretty excited. I was really sceptical when FIA introduced tiny baby 1,6T engines but now I actually like it. I don't think F1 is the best place for hybrid cars but hey - I get to learn about this system from friendly environment. Plus, I'm really delighted with decision the Toro Rosso made. Daniil Kvyat is a good man, he's a pretty fast driver, and he will show his potential. Some one might say that they shoud have signed Pierre Gasly because he's GP2 champion. Yes. But don't you think Toro Rosso will need some more experienced driver to handle the new car? Just askin'.
  • New semester coming up. I am not sure I will make it to the fourth semester to be honest. Anyhow, next semester will kick ass with some interesting classes. Thermodynamics, mechanics of materials - but this time in laboratory, basics of construction which is quite difficult but you get to design some cool mechanisms, valves, etc., CAD classes again but it won't be only drawing, we will be introduced to some systems that engineers use to get the job done and many, many more.
  • Another appretanceship, this time way more difficult and interesting, because I will have to "work" as an engineer in some company for 4 weeks, find solutions to problems, probably design something. Cool. And terrifying.
  • More disappointments, because apparently this is what I need in my life.
It's exhausting how people are. First they meet me and they are like "aw gawd u so cute and intelligent", text me all the time, want to spend time with me and after few days they will just ignore me. Just like that, like they don't even know me. What the fuck is your problem? When I don't like someone I'd just say so. God, I hate when people are dishonest. Then yall are surprised when I stay home all the time, when I say that I'm forever alone anyways whereas all you do is first treat me nicely and then call me a stupid weirdo, tell me I'm fat constantly, make fun of my height, tell me I don't belong here and I can't sit with you, laugh at my piercings and glasses, tell me to kill myself and I'm like

t h e  f u c k  i s  y o u r  p r o b l e m ?
What in the god's name have I done to yall. All I do is read my books, listen to my music, get my reports done, study, and mind my own business so where the hell did you get the idea I want any atenttion from you? It's not like I'm crashing all your parties, I don't even talk to you in reccesses. 
Just because I'm standing alone in the hall doesn't mean I want you all to walk up to me and ask me why I'm there alone. Maybe I'm used to being alone and this is how I like it? Most of the times I'm just reading or listening to music and you all come up to me just to say something mean or make fun of me because nobody likes me. What the fuck?
People often tell me that it's actually really good that I don't fit in, that I'm different and it's good I am a weirdo. How can anyone say something that fucking mean. All I want is to be normal, like everyone else. I'm really tired of people telling me I'm not a woman because I can repair cars and my house and most of stuff I have, I like maths and physics. "Cars are not for girls, you dummie :)" - well, clean dishes are not for men then. Also it pisses me off when someone tells me people are mean to me and they make fun of me because they feel endangered by my intelligence or by me in general. Bitch, I'm 4"11 (1,5m), how can anyone be endangered by me?
The worst thing about me is my memory. It's almost perfect. This is also why I can predict a lot of things and I hate it. You see things happening before your own eyes but you can only observe. And noone will believe you. 
I have two tiny hands. I can't fight it all. The only thing I want is a nice wooden home in Swiss Alps, many many many many adopted bunnies and few cars I like. And nobody to bother me anymore. I know I'm boring person.
Apologies for my poor English.

piątek, 9 września 2016


Oh, it's been a while. Hello, my dear readers. Once again, I have something to tell you and I will be quiet for some time after that. I hope you all had wonderfull summer (or winter)  and you all are well. This post will be very chaotic, because the past few weeks I kept a small journal, so whenever I felt like writing, I'd just open microsoft word and just typed someting. Of course my English is terrible and unbearable, so even though I made a lot of proof-reading, there are unacceptable errors; feel free to correct me.
these past few months were terrible. i mean i haven't experienced any disaster  or something, it was just stuff building up and up and up, and at some point it was just so hard to deal with all of it. the semester was really hard (i know it will get only worse). maybe it wouldn't be that hard if i wasn't betrayed by someone important in my life. i mean if that person didn't stab my back, yeah that would make it all easier. people are people so yeah probably he had a reason to do it.  even tho i was an angel to him. and i gave him everything i had. yeah, this is what you get for being nice to people, apparently.
there've been some ups between downs too - obviously rally poland and formula one weekend in germany, spending time with my friends in my hometown, partying or just relaxing by the lake, we've taken some trips, been to some concerts. but i guess the thing that changed me the most was going to germany to see f1 race. going abroad on my own was something big, like i don't know this country and how does it all work out there and i was only with my friend and it was the first time for us two to have huge trip like that. i was so surprised it was all so damn good. germany is one hell of a country - low prices, good quality of your purchases, people party like it's the last day of their life, the autobahns are like heaven. god, i wanna come back (but only for some time, not like forever). aaaaand hockenheimring camping has the best atmosphere ever, it's sooo darn magical! but beside experiencing things on my own skin there were a lot of contemplation and i realised so many things. like i always seeked for friends across the globe and now i realised i have the best people ever right here in my hometown. now i also know what does it mean to be open to people because i was - like for the first time in few years. i acted up a lot because i was stressed about so many things whereas i should be so relaxed and be just "i don't even care" like all the time. i learned a lot during these few days. it changed me but i know it is for the better. now - experience is gained and i know our next trips will be even better. but still, the most important thing is that i realised i have friends who are unbelieveably wonderful and my sisters are true treasure, plus my friend taught me so many things, now i also know that the world is not a bad place, that the people aren't evil like i thought they were - seriously i've been always a huge hater, and back at hockenheim people saw us for the first time and they gave us so much help just because we needed it. also i realised that i have the realest gem which is my passion. i've been always underestimating it but now i know it's something to live for. and i'm really sad when i see people who don't have passion. seriously, how do y'all live?
the worst thing is i am not able to rest and relax on mental level. as i am young, physicall rest is not a problem - good food, long sleep, some sun and fresh air by the lake and i'm totally fine. on mental level it's like i'm stressed all the time and i'm under so much pressure it's even hard to explain. i know where it all comes from but i still haven't figured out how to work with it. recently i also started to understand a damn lot of things and i started to realise a lot of things - i mean it's been some kind of growing up i guess (still a lot to go) and i stopped regreting so much. i understood that people don't care about me and i shouldn't care so much for people as i used to. i have a small clique of friends and it's enough - i know they love me and they know i love them. of course we fight, we call each other names, we're sarcastic but we care for each other and this is what matters the most. lov y'alls folks. plus i stopped regreting losing touch with someone or even ending whole relationships. like now i can just cut people off and it's like we've never met. you would say it's mean and selfish but seriously - why shouldn't i think only about myself? why should i think about people who hurt me constantly? i've read a lot of blogs by people from my town etc and every few weeks they put a post like "okay now it's a huge change time, time to take care of myself" and they've been doing it for years and guess what NOTHING CHANGED. long time ago i realised the life is not about talking. it's just about doing or just embracing something. shut the hell up and get the shit done, just like that. or sometimes you just have to relax and let the problem take care of itself.
it's like now i really don't give a fuck. like seriously. about nothing. or everything. anything? shit, idgaf about that either.
this year i took my school mate to rally poland - he's few years younger and it was his first rally ever. to be honest it amazed me the most that he was so happy out there. it was like toddler's happiness whereas me and my friend were like "okay this is another wrc in a row, we saw it all, this is boring now, let's go somewhere else" (i'm pouring it on of course, we aren't that old!) so this made nice interesting contrast of perception. i guess i haven't been appreciating my passion and wonderful events like this so change of perspective made me realise what i have.
also i had a nice trip to sea shore to krynica morska with my friends and it was simply amazing. we were also sightseeing wolf's liar - hitler's masurian headquater during ww2 and boyen fortess so we arrived at camping place quite late and then went to the beach. it was cold, windy and it was raining but we were enjoying this spontaneus trip so much (and we collected seashells!). then we went to stutthof museum, it's in german death camp so it was nice to learn some history too. also i noticed that navigating during driving and looking at signs is not natural for other people as it is for me and i realised this is another gift which i took for granted. and i realised how i love being some kind of navigator! my friends don't take long trips a lot so they were like "where do i go now" because i had navigation in my phone - of course we got lost (because i told them to turn somewhere 2 seconds too late) and i just said "look at the signs" and they were quite surprised. but it's polish thing - we don't trust signs. this experience also taught me how polish are different from western nations because: compared to hockenheim, camping site was just like a funeral because we were told not to play music, people didn't even say 'g'day' back; how we can't drive and use blinkers, how people can't 'waiter' at stupid bars and at gas stations they will yell at you because you want to pay for your fuel. there's a lot to learn for all of us. and even more to learn for me.
people say dreams are important. well, i don't have dreams. i only gave goals. i feel sorry because i don't like talking about them. i don't feel like i should, because people don't understand me so they bring me down plus misunderstanding is the worst distance between people. to be honest my goals and my passion are so huge it's hard to express because language is so limited. every year i think about rally poland like all the time. i want walking on special stages. i want see the gravel curtains, i want be smashed by rocks, i want to feel the sand between my teeth while i eat some sandwich sitting on grass under the tree when i'm waiting for another special stage. i want maps, driving, navigating, asking people like " 'scuse me sir, where is the special stage? how to i get there?", i want to see drivers, engineers, co-drivers, people from catering, i want to talk to them during service. i want colourfull merchandise, i want to whole groups of people dressed for the same team with flags and their faces painted. this one time of year we all go bonkers just to show what we trully are. last year i was speaking only about rally poland and f1 in germany. people around me were so sick of me because i was like "oh god it's only 8 months untill rally poland and only 9 untill gp germany omg omg omg i gotta do so many things" and i was talking about it all the time like "during rally poland you can do that, that, that, you can go there etc" and "i heard that during f1 on friday you can choose any grandstand you want omg i'm gonna be on track whole day" and so on. this is what most of the people don't understand. sometimes i meet people who are a little bit into f1 (like sometimes they watch races) and after every race i'm like "gawddammit have you seen the race?!" and most of the time they say "lol what race". my closest friends hear about all this shit all the time even though they don't even like cars but they know i'm mental and sometimes i see they are so done with all that but they won't tell me to shut up - so this surprises me actually; people are weird. look. you love cars. like in general. also you like motorsport - it may be f1 or wrc or idc (unless it's nascar or drag races, then get de fuk outta my face). and then somebody talks to you about it and you say "shut the fuck up" even though it's also your thing. just what the hell? are you pretending or what? this is why i feel so alone most of the time and this is why i feel so misunderstood. why aren't people real?
i don't fit in. anywhere. don't tell me "you shouldn't be fitting in anyways". do you know how does it feel? nobody understands your passion, nobody understands your attitude to the world, people laugh at you because you are yourself, they think you're stupid because you got mad at one little thing - but they don't care this little thing has ruined your plan, they laugh at you because you care for something, they hate on you when you speak your mind, basically you are all alone almost every single second of your day, most of people don't even want to talk to you, every thing you do is a huge failure, how would you feel? wouldn't you want to be normal, as everyone else just for one day? just to see how it is, to be liked, to be in state different from "i want to cry so bad whole day", to be simply understood.
also i just wanted to point out i hate my university now so much i can't even describe it. my maths professor killed the last of my self-esteem and confidence, now i feel worse than ever. i don't think exams should look like this at any university. that was so ridiculous, i don't even know how to explain it. i don't understand how one can treat people so bad just because they fought for their rights. i hate being vunerable like that, i want them all to be dead this instance and i will see them in hell.
the last paragraph in my journal is about new chapter, new hopes, new failures and new wins. but honestly - i really doubt that all. nothing will change. i'm just really tired.
this is "the saddest picture ever" aka me, standing there for 1,5h waiting for Daniil Kvyat, and he didn't come back. so this picture sums this whole post up.

that's it, hopefully you will all have a great weekend and better life than i have. cheers.

czwartek, 3 marca 2016


I'm sorry for the lack of post but I have a huge amount of work at my University. Yes, I knew it won't be easy, I don't want to complain about it. It is what it is like. I'm writing this post because there's something I need to get off my chest.
I'm not overwhelmed. I'm just tired. I'm not tired of calculus, of 0730am lectures, of amount of knowledge, no. I'm tired because I don't fit in. I know - I should not even bother about that but yeah, this is kinda pain in the ass, sorry for my language. I'm tired of people asking the same questions since I was 13. I'm tired of people who knows everything the best. I'm tired of "well fuck me, a girl at workshop! good joke fellas, now you bitch make me coffee". I'm tired of small talk. I'm tired of society that blanks anyone who is a little bit different. No, I won't get used to it. I can't say yes to stupidity, to numbness, to rusticity. I can't stand when people are rude to me but they say "my gawd I'm just hittin on ya bitch" - how should I react? Is it okay to smile and say "oh yes, you are my prince"? I can't agree with that either.
My past has shown me many things. Lots of my beliefs are pointless but I know it's allright.. Maybe I was hanging out in bad neighbourhood. This is why I am so full of myself now. This is also why I can't deal with people, even if they try to be nice to me. All my "no"s, "are you retarded?"s and "gtfo creep"s are caused by fear. I need a lot of time to get used to a new person, to stop being so scared of them.
Yes, I'm terrified.
But how should I feel? This world is going down. Society is dead. There's no morality in people anymore. Actually I can't even believe I'm writing this. Really.
People say I'm rude, aggressive, sarcastic, and this is not how little cute woman like me should act. 
How the hell do you know how should I act when you barely know my name and ask me about my sexual preferences right a way? Isn't this being JUST A LITTLE BIT clumsy? Why do people tell me "fuck learning, come and have a beer with us"? Why do they think it's okay to tell something like this? Why do they think it's okay to tell me to give them notes from lectures? Yes, tell me, they don't ask. Because they think a dorky dumb nerd like me has to give them all my work. What makes people that way? Why are they like that? Why don't they just shut the F up?
I'm tired of everyone telling me to chill out. This is what exhausts me the most. There's a lot of what's going on inside our heads. I know myself when to chill out, I can't block emotions because this is what made this antisocial-full-of-hate-little-stupid-fat-gal. So when I'm angry I need to be angry. When I'm happy I need to be happy. Period. Sometimes all I need is just a kind handshake, do I ask for much?
I can't tell everything I would like to, because language is limited. This post will be misunderstood. Do I care? Well, not really. If any of you have just a drop of compassion you will get it all. If not... Sorry I'm not sorry. I'm tired of explaining myself to people who don't even care. I just wish you all to stop freaking judge me. 

Now I shall thank all my readers for all your comments and views. This means a lot to me, Thank you all.
PS:yes, I still write, but noone shall see my poetry.
'We'll meet again
Don't know when
Don't know where'